Embrace Who You Are: The Art of Behavior Change
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Chapter 1: The Inner Conflict
Are you exhausted from the continuous struggles within yourself? How many hours must you spend battling for the right to exist authentically? How much energy do you waste chasing an illusion of perfection?
Honestly, what’s the point?
I have poured countless efforts into suppressing my current self, ‘Kieran’, believing that the ideal version of me—complete with a good credit score, a fit body, and an unbothered demeanor—awaits in the future. I’ve tried every self-help strategy to mold myself into a better version, yet my successes were fleeting, reminiscent of a pop star's brief fame.
Lately, I’ve realized that the quest for constant self-improvement can trap us, a cycle perpetuated by a growing number of online influencers and self-help advocates. Rarely do we encounter voices encouraging us to accept ourselves as we are; instead, there’s an incessant push to transform ourselves into something "better"—as if we're outdated models in need of an upgrade.
The worst thing we can do is convince ourselves that we’re unworthy of our current experiences. By striving to change who we are, we inadvertently reject our true selves and seek out identities that feel foreign. This relentless pursuit of change, often seen as essential for those on a spiritual journey, becomes a chain binding us to dissatisfaction.
Section 1.1: The Nature of Change
Transforming your identity isn’t an overnight feat, nor is it essential. There’s nothing inherently wrong with who we are, even with our flaws. To be human is to be imperfect, and what feels right today might not hold true tomorrow. If change is so fluid, expecting a complete transformation as a solution to our woes is both unhealthy and unrealistic.
Consider your current self, flaws included. Now, reflect on a trait you'd like to change and ask, “What’s driving this desire?” Perhaps you feel too angry, lazy, or impatient. You might believe that altering these traits would lead to wealth, health, or happiness. Yet, I challenge you to think of a quality you already possess and envision how it could foster your success.
Why aren’t we encouraged to focus on our strengths rather than fixate on perceived weaknesses? Why must we overhaul our identities instead of simply adjusting our behaviors? Instead of attempting to erase our essence, why not leverage our strengths to modify our weaknesses?
As Yoda wisely said, “Do or do not. There is no try.”
The energy expended on trying to reshape who we are far exceeds the effort required for simple behavioral changes. For instance, rather than striving to become an enlightened being who never reacts emotionally, consider incorporating a few minutes of daily meditation. Gradually cultivating small moments of space for yourself is a more sustainable approach than fighting against your inherent self.
Chapter 2: Accepting Imperfection
This TEDx talk by Ien Chi emphasizes the futility of trying to change ourselves and instead advocates embracing who we are.
In this video, the speaker discusses the paradox of striving for change while it leads to unhappiness and how to authentically be yourself.
It’s futile to try to eliminate imperfections; even the most diligent efforts to achieve perfection will only create new flaws. Pursuing an unattainable goal wastes time and energy and seldom brings true happiness.
I refuse to reshape myself to fit a narrative of what I must become to find peace.
Reflect on how many moments in life are genuinely peaceful without imperfections. True beauty is not static; it evolves, just as we do. The most attractive individuals will, at some point, face changes and challenges, shattering the illusion of perfection.
When we fixate on change, we often deny essential aspects of ourselves. The idealized versions we create are illusions, even if they seem beneficial. While striving for improvement is noble, growth should arise from acceptance, not self-rejection.
Changing who we are isn’t merely flipping a switch; it’s an acknowledgment of our emotions and desires. True change comes from recognizing our feelings and choosing to respond differently—not by denying our identity but by understanding it.
Instead of striving to extinguish our existence, we must accept that aspiring to become someone entirely different implies that our current selves are flawed and unworthy. Is an eight-year-old deemed incomplete simply for lacking the knowledge of an adult? Many adults still exhibit childlike behavior; thus, why should we treat ourselves as misbehaving children in need of strict discipline?
Altering behavior is a much simpler and more feasible task. It’s easier to adjust daily actions than to wrestle with our true selves in hopes of eradicating pain and suffering. Life inherently involves challenges, and that complexity gives meaning to our existence.
The concept of "self" is so ambiguous that attempting to change it seems nonsensical. How can we erase something that doesn’t have a clear definition? The inner voice driving change could be our ego, which perceives flaws that need fixing.
In the quest for an ideal self, we set ourselves up for disappointment. We resist the natural flow of life and try to control our emotions and bodies, which are inherently beyond our full grasp. Ironically, the very aspects we wish to change are often the ones that feel the most out of our control.
As Admiral Ackbar aptly put it, “It’s a trap!”
Nothing about who you are is fundamentally flawed. Your actions, which require energy, shape your life. Rather than demonizing your imperfections, detach from the need to control the future. Allow yourself the space to rest and be.
Give yourself grace—you’re still a child at heart. We’ve simply grown into adult forms, but that sensitive inner child remains, yearning for simple joys. Behaviors like overeating or poor diet choices often reflect unmet needs, not reflections of worthlessness. Embracing yourself means understanding and empathizing with your desires and flaws.
From this perspective, changing habits becomes more accessible. Rather than striving for perfection, consider adding small, positive behaviors to your routine. Over time, these changes can lead to meaningful transformation.
In my journey toward self-improvement, I’ve often felt discontent with my present self. This realization is troubling. Where is the space for celebrating imperfection, for simply existing?
Perhaps the key to real change lies not in the desire for transformation but in embracing the present moment, where love, acceptance, and kindness converge. If we focused less on the need for change, perhaps we would find it easier to evolve naturally over time.
It’s worth reflecting on. Or maybe I just need to change.
Let the cycle of self-acceptance begin.
