Navigating the Constant Tests of Narcissism in Relationships
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Chapter 1: The Nature of Narcissistic Testing
Narcissists continually subject everyone around them to tests, leading their victims to perceive all of life as a series of evaluations.
Narcissists rely on three primary elements to uphold the false equilibrium they create:
- Constant Validation: They seek reassurance that they are not just admirable, but the most admirable. A classic example is the wicked queen from "Snow White," who asks, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"
- Uninterrupted Victories: Narcissists transform nearly every interaction into a competition, needing to win at all costs. Imagine sitting down to play a game with a friend who has rewritten the rules to ensure their victory.
- Strict Adherence to Script: They construct a fabricated persona and a corresponding false reality. A script is essential for maintaining this illusion, and narcissists often check if others are adhering to it. A casual question or comment can serve as a test; failing to respond as expected may result in punitive actions to realign you with their script. It’s akin to losing phone connection and repeatedly asking if the other person can hear you until the connection is restored.
The narcissist's fixation on sustaining their façade means they must perpetually seek validation through these tests. Below are some typical questions that narcissists might pose, which seem innocuous but carry an underlying agenda that often leaves victims on edge:
- "Do you believe he/she appears older than me?"
- "What was the cost of your (fill in the blank)?"
- "Are you attending the party? Your father would be disappointed if you don’t."
- "Did you receive my email? If you replied, it didn’t come through."
- "Whose names and in what order will you place them on the report cover?"
- "Would your mother-in-law (or friend, teacher, sibling, etc.) assist you as much as I do?"
- "Are you going with (fill in the blank) or planning to see me?"
- "Do you still think that (fill in the blank)? Often, what they claim you think isn't your actual thought."
- "I’ve been feeling unwell (or in pain, anxious, etc.) for three weeks, but it seems no one has noticed."
Those familiar with narcissistic relationships could add their own loaded questions to this list. The unfortunate reality is that narcissists are driven to test; it's as integral to them as breathing.
Fallout from Narcissistic Testing
The incessant testing by narcissists can have severe repercussions on their victims, leading some to refer to it as CPTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). Before I understood the dynamics of narcissistic abuse or recognized CPTSD, I referred to it as programming. Regardless of terminology, the impact is profound, widespread, and painful.
I often find myself believing that everything is a test, and any failure could render me worthless. For example, when someone asks where I’d like to go for a meal or coffee, I either freeze up or suggest several places while justifying my choices. I may say, "But I'm fine with anywhere you choose." My inability to decide stems from the conditioning that I might disappoint someone or elicit frustration. The potential outcomes weigh heavily on me:
- The person asking might be let down if my choice differs from their preference.
- They might want to express dissatisfaction, claiming I always select places they dislike.
- They may not genuinely want to meet, using my choice as an excuse to cancel.
When tasked with making arrangements involving others, I stress over the possibility of disappointing them. If I’m responsible for executing something on behalf of someone else, I become anxious, fearing I won’t meet their expectations. I mentally rehearse potential scenarios to avoid mistakes or disappointments.
Although I am on a path to recovery, my mind can still react as if I’m trapped by the narcissist's influence. There seems to be a correlation between the duration of abuse and the depth of the resulting trauma response. Having endured a 15-year marriage to a narcissistic partner and maintaining contact with my narcissistic mother until two years ago at age 67 likely explains my ongoing struggle to accept that not every situation is a test.