Chapter 1: The Challenge of Expression

I find it incredibly hard to articulate my wants and needs, and I understand the reasons behind this difficulty.

Before delving into my past, I want to mention that I recently published an article followed by a reflective piece after engaging in several conversations with different individuals and contemplating my own thoughts. Ultimately, I decided to remove both articles as I felt they did not accurately convey my feelings. While I value the rawness of the messages, I realized they might come off as hurtful or inconsiderate to those who care about me—something I will elaborate on shortly.

Growing up, I always hesitated to voice my needs and desires, believing it was inappropriate to do so. I thought my parents had enough challenges to deal with; my needs seemed trivial in comparison to others'. I internalized the notion that I was unimportant, which led me to suppress my desires and aim for an unrealistic standard of being 'perfect' and 'unproblematic.'

It's interesting to reflect on how my parents are now in a stable position during their retirement, especially considering the hardships I had always heard about. I was acutely aware of the sacrifices my parents made for my sister and her children after I had moved out. I overheard numerous conversations that painted a confusing picture of our family dynamics, leaving me uncertain about the truth of our past.

Despite my insights, I grapple with expressing my needs. Sometimes, I genuinely don't know what I want or need. This uncertainty stems from a desire to avoid being a nuisance and a fear of hurting others. I often struggle with confidence in having these conversations, unsure of when or how to approach them. This pattern leads me to silence myself, causing significant emotional turmoil.

I am my own worst enemy, creating distress and pain through self-imposed limitations. I overanalyze situations to the point of paralysis, fearing that any action I take could be 'wrong,' which only serves to isolate me further.

Lately, I have felt an urge to withdraw, initially as a protective measure, but now I realize it's because I haven't fully confronted my past. I need to accept that it's not just acceptable but essential to ask for what I need from others. Failing to do so isn't just unfair to me; it's unfair to them as well. I understand this intellectually and emotionally, yet acting on it proves to be a much more daunting task.

Until I confront these issues and commit to personal growth, they will continue to haunt me. It's time for some serious introspection—an honest look in the mirror to identify areas that need improvement, as I acknowledge that I am a work in progress.

Instead of rewriting my previous articles, I will include them here to illustrate my journey and the emotional baggage I've been carrying into my current relationships.

This morning, I wrote about the frustration of trying to help others help themselves. It’s exhausting and often feels unproductive.

People seem to desire change but shy away from the effort it requires. Society's obsession with instant gratification has led many to abandon genuine attempts at self-improvement. Relationships demand consistent work and effort, yet it's disheartening to see so many people unwilling to invest in them.

I am exhausted—tired of being there for others while receiving little in return. I feel drained from striving to foster genuine connections and support others without receiving the same energy back. It’s as though I am constantly lifting others up while feeling completely alone in my struggle.

I often ponder why I continue to invest so much energy into relationships that feel one-sided, leading to feelings of insignificance. Despite my efforts to support friends and family, I rarely feel seen or appreciated. I am tired of being the one to reach out, only to be met with silence.

This cycle has left me feeling depleted, and I find myself at a breaking point. I might regret sharing this raw and vulnerable piece of writing, but I recognize that it's necessary for my healing process.

I refuse to give up. I will keep fighting, but I must learn to prioritize my own needs and boundaries. I can no longer support those who do not show up for themselves or others.

It's clear I have much to address, and I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my thoughts.

Chapter 2: The Need for Self-Care

In the video "Why can't I express myself?", the speaker explores the complexities surrounding self-expression, shedding light on personal struggles and the importance of articulating one's needs.

The podcast "How to Communicate Your Wants and Needs" offers valuable insights on navigating conversations about personal desires and establishing healthy boundaries.

Self-care is a journey that requires time and patience. I realize I need to embrace this process, allowing myself the space to heal and grow.

Through love, light, and a commitment to my well-being, I strive for a brighter tomorrow.