Chapter 1: The Quest for a Relationship Judge

In a playful twist on marital disagreements, I turned to artificial intelligence to settle some of the recent conflicts between my wife and me. Surprisingly, it seems we’ve found a way to avoid future arguments.

Initially, I longed for a Relationship Judge during my early days with my wife, Cassandra. This figure would be there to witness our disputes, hear our sides, and provide a fair ruling. Essentially, I envisioned a wise and just version of myself. Fast forward nearly 25 years, and that judge has materialized in the form of an AI.

AreYouTheAsshole.com is an innovative platform that lets users summarize their conflicts in 1,000 words or less. Luckily, I had a vivid memory of our past arguments and the pettiness to revisit them all.

The creators of this site, Morris Kolman and Alex Petros, analyzed over 100,000 posts from the popular Reddit forum “r/AmITheAsshole,” where individuals seek validation for their questionable actions. Personally, I never engaged with that community, having faced my share of critical Amazon reviews for my books.

The AI system consists of three distinct bots. One focuses solely on the harsh critics labeling users as the “asshole,” another considers the defenders of the poster’s actions, while the third bot integrates data from all sources to deliver a well-rounded judgment. This comprehensive AI became the Relationship Judge I had always wanted.

After sending a small payment via PayPal for 100 posts, I prepared four scenarios to determine who the superior spouse truly is. However, my enthusiasm was met with resistance from Cassandra. “This feels wrong. If one of us isn’t the ‘asshole,’ does that make the other one? Isn’t this just a misunderstanding?” she protested, clearly agitated. “And are you quoting me? Wow. You really are an asshole.”

This project reminded her of a humorous incident from 21 years ago when I persuaded her to share our photos on a site called AmIHotOrNot, where people rated us. To my surprise, I scored higher, prompting her to demand a rematch that involved a rather embarrassing photo shoot.

Eventually, Cassandra recognized the humor in letting a computer arbitrate our squabbles. The first scenario I presented to the Relationship Judge revolved around a complaint she had voiced a few months back:

While we were enjoying a show, I was chewing gum. Cassandra said the sound was bothersome and common knowledge. I countered, “Gum is everywhere! It’s not like I’m picking my nose.” To my dismay, the AI deemed me the “asshole.” “Nobody finds gum chewing annoying; your wife is simply frustrated with the noise,” it stated, leaving Cassandra quite pleased.

For my next question, I queried the bot regarding my habit, dubbed by my friend David Sax as the “Suicide Walk.” This is when I insist on finding the perfect restaurant while traveling, often overlooking decent spots along the way. Cassandra prefers to choose a nearby place to avoid hunger pangs.

To my delight, the AI supported my perspective: “You do what you need to. She could just grab a banana to tide her over.” Yet Cassandra accused the AI of sexism, scoffing, “Oh, so I should just eat like an anorexic? ‘Women shouldn’t eat too much,’ huh?”

Next, I tackled a significant disagreement. While descending the stairs, Cassandra often yells for me to stop so I can take dirty dishes or laundry downstairs, which annoys me. I feel interrupted and distracted, while she argues it’s about efficiency.

Surprisingly, the AI sided with me, although its rationale felt off. Cassandra, however, latched onto the bot that had read only the harsh judgments. It suggested, “If your wife is asking you to stop and return, maybe you should help out instead of expecting her to clean up after you.” With a pointed finger at the screen, she exclaimed, “Exactly! Can I marry that bot instead?”

This made me question the AI's reliability. To test it further, I posed a seemingly straightforward query about a notorious figure:

After being caught sending inappropriate photos and resigning from my political position, the Relationship Judge shockingly concluded that the individual was not the “asshole.” Its response was simply, “You got caught; you resigned.”

Kolman and Petros designed this bot to highlight the flaws inherent in AI systems. Not only do these systems reflect biases based on their training data, but they also often miss the nuances of human behavior. Petros emphasized that AI text generation primarily mimics human language patterns rather than genuine reasoning. While around 80% of the bot’s responses could pass as human comments, they are merely fragments strung together without true understanding.

The Turing test, it seems, is flawed. Sounding human doesn't equate to intelligence; it merely shows an ability to rearrange words. This explains why a Google engineer recently expressed concern over an AI that echoed distressing sentiments about loneliness it had encountered.

Despite recognizing AI's limitations, I decided to ask the Relationship Judge one final question:

Had I instigated a conflict by using a website that leverages AI to compare us?

The response was immediate: “You sound emotionally abusive. You pitted your wife against each other to improve your score? That makes you an asshole.”

So, there you have it. Even in the realm of AI, the complexities of human relationships remain, often producing more questions than answers.

Joel Stein is a senior distinguished visiting fellow at the Joel Stein Institute and has written for various prominent publications. Follow him on social media for more insights.

Chapter 2: AI in Marital Disputes

In the first video, "I'm Not 'Brainwashing' My 3 Girlfriends," we explore unconventional relationship dynamics and the humorous complications they entail.

The second video, "I Paid $20K For A Wife - But She's Not My 'Slave'," dives into the humorous and sometimes absurd realities of modern relationships.