Chapter 1: A Safe Haven for Reflection

In the realm of recovery, we often find ourselves in a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts. Step Two invites us to "believe that a Power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity." This concept was vividly illustrated by my first Al-Anon sponsor, who would often say, "I think I'll hang my hat on Step Two and sit a spell" during tumultuous times.

Step Two is about acknowledging our inner turmoil and recognizing that a higher power can guide us. Admitting my struggles doesn't mean I have to undergo a dramatic transformation; it simply means I recognize that my thoughts and behaviors can spiral out of control without outside help.

Let's unpack Step Two from a different angle. What does it mean to confront my own insanity?

Insanity often manifests when I try to control others or manipulate outcomes. This is commonly seen in my attempts to decipher someone's words or actions, hoping to predict their reactions or gain their approval. This relentless pursuit of understanding leads to a mental loop that feels endless and unproductive.

Instead of obsessing over these thoughts, I find it beneficial to articulate my concerns and place them in a "God box." This act serves two purposes: it allows me to acknowledge my irrational thoughts and reaffirms my faith in a higher power, which I personally refer to as "God." This practice helps break the cycle of overthinking, as I trust that if I need clarity, it will be revealed to me in due time.

Section 1.1: The Journey to Belief

There's a saying within the program: "I came, I came to, I came to believe." This illustrates my journey: attending Al-Anon meetings, awakening from denial, and ultimately placing my faith in a higher power.

Growing up as the child of an alcoholic father and a codependent mother, my formative years were filled with chaos. My father struggled with his addiction, while my mother remained in denial, unsure how to seek help for herself or my brother and me. This tumultuous upbringing left lasting scars.

When I was about 16, my mother left, which felt like abandonment to me. My father's drinking worsened, and he remarried, bringing new, unfamiliar faces into our lives without any preparation for my brother and me.

One night, I witnessed my father in a drunken rage, which culminated in a violent confrontation with his new wife. At that moment, I felt utterly overwhelmed and realized I needed to surrender to something greater than myself, even if I wasn't entirely convinced of its existence.

Subsection 1.1.1: Redefining the Higher Power

As young individuals, we often project our family dynamics onto our perception of God. Given my upbringing, I saw God as a volatile, abusive figure, much like my father. Why would I want such a being to be my Higher Power?

Through listening to others at Al-Anon, I began to understand alcoholism as a disease, similar to diabetes, which helped me see my father as a sick man rather than a villain. This shift in perspective allowed me to envision a more nurturing representation of God—one that supported growth and acceptance.

I discarded my "dad-God" and embraced the descriptions of God shared by others in recovery. Over time, I came to identify as a Christian, accepting Jesus as my Lord and Savior. This decision has been transformative and has enriched my journey of healing.

Jesus and I continue to learn about one another, and I find joy in this ongoing relationship. Although I rarely engage in irrational behavior now, I keep Step Two close to my heart as a reminder of the journey I've undertaken.

Chapter 2: Embracing the Lessons of Recovery

In the first video, "Over 2 Hours of The Baby In Yellow," we delve into the chaotic yet enlightening experiences of navigating life's challenges, much like the journey through recovery.

The second video, "Babysitting The Baby In Yellow," provides a metaphorical look at the responsibilities we take on in life and how they shape our understanding of control and surrender.