Chapter 1: The Journey to New Friendships

For the past two years, I have been navigating the challenge of making new friends in my town. Recently, I connected with someone who expressed interest in meeting up, as she, too, is eager to form friendships. However, a recent email exchange made it clear that I need to employ a specific phrase.

This phrase, consisting of just five words, has the potential to shape or disrupt a relationship based on your comfort with establishing boundaries. In this case, it pertains to financial limits.

If you neglect to set these boundaries, you jeopardize not only your financial stability but also your overall health and happiness.

What is this phrase? It’s simple: "That’s not in my budget."

Interestingly, you don’t necessarily need a formal budget to use it. If you occasionally check your credit card statements or bank account, you likely have a grasp on your financial status.

Historically, the idea of maintaining a budget hasn't been particularly fashionable. The prevailing mindset seemed to be, "buy it; you deserve it." But when did spending become synonymous with what you deserve?

What truly deserves your focus is maintaining your health and having enough financial resources to provide you with choices beyond mere survival, allowing you to lead a reasonably joyful life. How that looks is subjective but should not involve accumulating so much debt that you lie awake at night worrying about how to make ends meet.

Understanding the Importance of Spending Boundaries

What if, rather than the anxiety-inducing notion of creating a budget, you thought of it as establishing spending boundaries?

Just like emotional boundaries—where you determine how you wish to be treated—spending boundaries define your financial expectations and lifestyle. Ignoring these limits or trying to please everyone often leads to you being the one who suffers the consequences.

Imagine this scenario with a potential new friend. I know she works as an accountant in a larger city and likely enjoys dining out regularly, a lifestyle that suggests she may be financially secure. Conversely, my experience with Covid and subsequent business setbacks has left me with more debt than I would prefer.

So, how do I ensure this new friendship flourishes? I need to take responsibility for my circumstances and communicate my spending boundaries clearly from the outset.

This doesn’t involve stating a specific dollar amount; rather, it’s about expressing my power phrase: "That’s not in my budget," followed by suggesting alternatives.

Finding Joy with the Power Phrase

This isn't my first experience with friendships that involve different income levels, and it certainly won't be the last. Despite these differences, it’s entirely possible to cultivate enjoyable and mutually satisfying connections.

Finding alternative ways to spend time together that align with your financial limits is key. Dining out can be enjoyable, but the essence lies in connecting over a shared experience. There are countless ways to foster this connection.

For instance, consider hosting a dinner at home or enjoying coffee together. Engaging in physical activities like biking or walking, or exploring local attractions, can also create memorable moments without straining your finances.

When you approach relationships this way and adhere to your spending boundaries, it fosters a sense of accomplishment and boosts your self-esteem. You’ve kept a promise to yourself, which always feels rewarding.

The Health Benefits of Respecting Your Spending Limits

Have you ever disappointed someone by not fulfilling a commitment? It’s a disheartening experience. Now, think about what occurs when you take control of your life and financial habits.

Being aware of your financial situation empowers you to make informed decisions. By prioritizing long-term benefits over short-term pleasures, you affirm your intention to live within your means, which feels incredibly liberating.

Moreover, honoring your commitments to yourself enhances your self-confidence and instills a sense of control, leading to reduced anxiety and stress. Even small choices, like brewing coffee at home instead of buying it, contribute to respecting your financial boundaries.

On a larger scale, consider the importance of planning vacations wisely to avoid overspending. With so many enticing options available, taking your time can help you stick to your financial goals.

Yes, you can enjoy life while remaining on track. By practicing the art of saying no, you make room to say yes to more meaningful pursuits—like securing your financial future.

Embracing the Power Phrase: "That’s Not in My Budget"

Even if you only think this phrase, the intention behind it is powerful. It’s not about scarcity, even if you’re managing debt or daily expenses. It’s about taking control.

Consider those who are genuinely wealthy and their approach to spending. While they may occasionally indulge, they also exercise prudence. I once had neighbors who transformed a rundown property into a lovely home, yet they were spotted shopping at a dollar store for greeting cards. Their choices were not about affordability but about making wise financial decisions.

They shared how their past financial struggles shaped their current habits. They enjoy their wealth but remain committed to smart spending, embodying the essence of the power phrase.

Your happiness, health, and financial well-being hinge on making decisions that align with your current reality and aspirations. Change may not happen overnight, but it will come when you consciously take charge of your spending habits.

As I reach out to this new potential friend for our initial meeting, I’ll approach it from a place of confidence and strength, not shame. Given her profession, I suspect she’ll be receptive to my use of the "power phrase." If not, then perhaps this friendship wasn't meant to be.

In a world filled with financial pressures—from inflation to possible recessions—it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. However, you have the ability to choose your path. Why not become a trendsetter by establishing your spending boundaries and embracing the power phrase, "That’s not in my budget"?

Claim your strength and enjoy the myriad benefits of taking control in every aspect of your life.

Frances Hickmott is the author of Journey to Joy: How to Overcome Life’s Setbacks to Create a Life You Love