Chapter 1: The Importance of Self-Identity

Before you embrace the roles of mother, wife, or lover, remember, you are a woman first. My friend Marie from Paris looked me in the eye and conveyed, “In English, it means ‘Before you become a mother, a wife, or a lover, you’re a woman first and foremost.’” Initially, I was puzzled about how to apply this profound saying in my life. Marie elaborated, saying, “These roles are like hats you wear; you can choose which one to don each day. They shouldn’t overshadow your core identity.”

In that moment, I was taken aback—not just by her words but by the realization that I genuinely needed this reminder. My life felt unbalanced, and I needed to recalibrate before stepping back into my role as a wife.

Since the onset of the pandemic in 2020, I’ve been working remotely and feeling rather isolated. My partner, J, and I had relocated to a Midwest city, leaving behind friends and family. Loneliness crept in, despite the busyness of work. With the easing of COVID restrictions, I resumed business travel, reconnecting with colleagues and friends in Chicago and Seattle. These encounters sparked meaningful conversations, prompting me to reflect on the self-examinations I had postponed for too long.

For over a year, I had been grappling with dissatisfaction in my marriage. Last summer, small issues escalated into significant problems, creating an emotional void that I thought I could quickly overcome.

J suggested we spend more time together as a remedy for our frustrations, and I initially assumed he would make an effort. However, as a medical resident, his demanding schedule often left him absent during meals and he frequently returned home late. This left me waiting, disheartened by his inability to keep his promises, while unresolved issues continued to pile up. What started as unhappy days soon turned into an extended period of emotional turmoil.

Can I take charge of this downward spiral in our relationship? I thought that perhaps I could be the catalyst for change. I immediately arranged a series of couples therapy sessions and attempted to nurture J more, hoping to influence him positively. However, my efforts backfired. J expressed resentment towards my attempts to control aspects of his life, leading us to question our compatibility. My emotional state became so fragile that even minor triggers could set off tears.

Was this drift between us a natural consequence, or was I being too impatient? Conversations with friends, especially Marie's reminder, compelled me to confront deeper questions: Do I wish to change J to revert to our previous dynamic, or do I need to focus on my own growth to advance?

Perhaps even more daunting questions lingered: What do I truly seek in a relationship? What qualities do I desire in a life partner? Am I clear about my personal goals? I realized I needed to find answers to these questions before navigating our relationship's future.

Tiffany, a friend of mine, shared a useful exercise she undertook to determine the next steps in her relationship. She and her boyfriend wrote down their dreams and fears on paper, outlining their life purposes, three- and five-year plans, challenges, and potential solutions. This matrix helped them align their priorities and realize they were partners with compatible goals.

My greatest fear was the possibility of leaving J to escape my unhappiness, a thought that brought me to tears. Yet, as I embarked on the exercise Tiffany suggested, I found myself focused and surprisingly at peace. I wrote about my desire to live life to its fullest, filled with aspirations that didn’t require a partner's presence. Instead of reaching a verdict on our relationship, I realized I didn’t need to rush into a decision; I could prioritize my life independently of our issues.

In Seattle, a new friend, Lydia, accompanied me on a walk from Capitol Hill to South Lake Union. As we strolled toward the picturesque sunset near Pike Place Market, a warm golden light broke through thick clouds. “Have you considered creating new, joyful memories? If you want to stay in this relationship, try shifting your focus from issues to having fun,” Lydia suggested, pointing towards a line of distant snow-capped mountains that were barely visible through the clouds.

I snapped a picture to send to J, as texting had become our primary means of communication. Our exchanges had shifted from playful banter to short, tense updates. Quick messages were insufficient for resolving our conflicts, and I recognized that we needed to take a break from arguing.

“Wow, that’s beautiful!” J replied, asking about my day. In that moment, instead of feeling frustrated by his evasiveness, I felt relieved. It was a welcome change from the cycle of heartache. Perhaps this was the way forward—setting aside our differences and conflicts temporarily. I no longer wanted to lose my identity and happiness in the process.

This lesson resonated with me: my happiness shouldn’t hinge on another person. I tried to echo Marie’s wisdom back to her, albeit in my broken French. She embraced me warmly.

Special thanks to my editors: Laura Gaddis and Wen Zhang

Chapter 2: Shifting Focus from Relationship Issues

The first video titled "Take Your Focus off the Narcissist and Pay Attention to Yourself Instead" discusses the significance of redirecting your energy towards self-care and personal growth rather than fixating on your partner's behaviors.

The second video, "How To Focus On Yourself To Get Your Ex Back After A Breakup" by Coach Lee, emphasizes the importance of self-reflection and personal development as a pathway to healthier relationships.