In the process of transitioning at the end of life, both the individual facing death and their loved ones grapple with deep existential questions. This journey is often fraught with intense emotions, including grief and denial.

I feel fortunate to belong to a close family that supports each other during tough times. We had navigated a few health scares with my dad, but this situation felt notably different. Despite our attempts at optimism, it quickly became evident that we were at the beginning of the end of his life. Having celebrated his ninetieth birthday in August 2020, we were grateful for the many years filled with memories, laughter, and stories. Deep down, I wished for a swift and peaceful passing—not out of a desire to see him gone, but to spare him from further suffering.

Coming to terms with my father's imminent passing was a process. Friends who had recently lost parents advised me to capture as many photos and videos as possible during his final days. This would provide me with the sound of his voice and tangible memories to hold onto. I devoted myself to being present with him and assisting my mom. Together, we sifted through photo albums to select our favorite images for a collage to honor his life at the funeral. This felt like a celebration rather than a morbid task.

“When someone we love dies, we get so busy mourning what died that we ignore what didn’t.” — Ram Dass

The Grief Journey Begins Before the Departure

Grief manifests in various ways, and our responses to it differ. I was more equipped to deal with the emotions surrounding my father's death than my mom and sister, who both fell into denial. Initially, my mom expressed anger toward me for administering the low dose of morphine that the hospice nurse had recommended for his discomfort. When my dad complained of neck pain, I offered it, and he accepted. I soon realized that my mom’s upset stemmed from her denial, with my sister following suit. This left me in disbelief as my father’s condition worsened, prompting my sister to insist on calling an ambulance, fearing he had suffered a stroke, unwilling to say goodbye just yet.

I eventually silenced their doubts and turned to research regarding the symptoms of end-stage multiple myeloma, trusting my instincts. The symptoms matched what my dad was experiencing: nausea, severe back and neck pain, easy bruising, fatigue, fevers, frequent infections, weight loss, lack of appetite, weakness in limbs, confusion, and frequent urination. This made sense, especially as he began to speak incoherently, fell often, and at times didn’t recognize us. I understood my sister's fixation on the idea of a stroke, but I felt in my heart that his cancer was rapidly progressing.

Our visitation was complicated by COVID-19, preventing us from seeing him in the hospital. It was a heartbreaking situation, especially for my mom, who had promised my dad he could die at home, yet now he was isolated in a hospital room. While I felt compassion for her and my sister, I recognized their struggle to let go. I gently suggested they consult the attending physician about the end-stage symptoms of myeloma. To my relief, the doctor confirmed my concerns.

It baffled me why the doctor hadn’t initially volunteered this information, but ultimately, she agreed that it was best for my dad to return home under hospice care for his final days. Once home, we all felt a sense of peace.

Breathing is the initial action of life and the final act of departure. While many fear death, I do not, having been present for my grandparents’ and now my father’s last moments. It brought me closure to be with them in their final moments.

“Life and death are one thread, the same line viewed from different sides.” — Lao Tzu

Gratitude for Dad

On New Year’s Eve 2021, which also marked my daughter’s 21st birthday, I faced a dilemma in leaving my dad's side. He had been on hospice care for over a week and was nearing death after battling multiple myeloma. My sister and I had taken turns caring for him and my mom. That morning, I sensed a change in his breathing that indicated he didn’t have long.

alt:	Author’s personal files of her parent’s 50th wedding anniversary

My daughter Morgan had encountered numerous health challenges this past year. Celebrating her milestone birthday was essential to our family. My sister and mom encouraged me to take her out for a special dinner, assuring me they would keep me informed about any changes.

alt:	Author’s personal files

We enjoyed a delightful meal filled with laughter, and she ordered her first official alcoholic drink. We raised a toast to my dad and the memories we cherished.

The Conclusion

The following morning at 6:00 AM, the phone rang. My sister informed me that my dad’s breathing had worsened. She urged me to come quickly. I jumped out of bed, hastily threw together a bag, and rushed over.

He had waited for us. His final gift was to not pass on Morgan’s birthday. My siblings and I gathered around him, sharing stories and laughter for over an hour. I held his hand, which had grown significantly colder. Suddenly, he took a deep breath, and that was it—he passed away peacefully.

alt:	Author’s personal photo of her and her dad on his last day holding hands

Although my dad had often feared death, he seemed calm in those final moments. We comforted him, assuring him it was okay to let go, that we would look after mom, and that while we would miss him, he was in a better place. While death is inevitable, I believe life continues in some form. Our souls endure, and some may even return in different forms based on how they lived.

“Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it.” — Haruki Murakami

I personally do not fear death; rather, I fear not fully embracing life. The most challenging aspect is coming to terms with losing someone so integral to my existence.

“Exit-date illusion souls do not dissipate still leaving all-too-real for somnambulists yet waking won’t salve grieving hearts.” — Marcus

I honor my loved ones by keeping their spirits alive through my actions. My dad would want us to remain a close family, to share laughter, engage with our community, and be kind-hearted individuals. His spirit will continue to live on through us.

Funeral Arrangements

Holding a funeral during the COVID-19 pandemic brought its own set of difficulties. Restrictions limited the number of family and friends who could attend the services. My dad was a retired dentist and a respected community member; without COVID, many would have come to celebrate his life.

When I received the urgent call from my sister, I had spent the night with my mom. The next day, as we prepared for the funeral, I realized I couldn’t find my shoes. After spending time on my hair and makeup, I found myself at the funeral home wearing slippers—an embarrassing moment that the director humorously pointed out!

alt:	Author’s personal files of said slippers the infamous day she forgot her shoes

Perhaps my dad, who valued appearances, was shaking his head from above, amused at the situation. My family shared a much-needed laugh, highlighting that we were doing our best amidst the sorrow.

Despite the limitations imposed by COVID, the funeral became a heartfelt gathering, allowing us to reconnect with family we seldom see.

“So when tomorrow starts without me, don’t think we’re far apart, for every time you think of me I’m right here in your heart.” — David M. Romano

alt:	Author’s personal files of she and her family after the funeral in the house she grew up in

We are never truly ready to say goodbye to those we love. My dad had a unique ability to uplift others, sharing joy and laughter. His spirit will endure forever. Thank you for allowing me to share this; he was an extraordinary man. Though we laid his body to rest, his soul will always watch over us.

alt:	Author’s personal photo of her dad as she will always remember him